literature

blaese torch

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pupbear's avatar
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Literature Text

heavens open up and the sun shines down and the breeze passing by without a sound so the beats softly cooing in the daylight time and the rhymes flowing out like a freestyle chime as the smoke burns a whole in your fields of dreams and the linen falls apart to the sign of your sleeves the blossoms growing up to the sky above to the clouds soft as down like a little dove and you think to yourself on this sunshine day close your eyes pass you by nothing left to say....
its a cheesy poem written to a beat...its hard to catch the beat without someone pointing it out to you. thats what sucks about my poetry...
(¬_¬)
feedback on this one please ?
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Comments3
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dreamheaven's avatar
Not a bad piece, the imagery in this is great...a few things tho...

You may want to try using some breaks in there... it reads more like prose than poetry, also some punctuation to help you convey the key messages in this piece, which would help it flow smoother.